Chapter VI: Conversation

The man who knows precisely how to converse, has an instrument in his possession with which he can do great good, and that will make him welcome in all circles. . . .

Make it a matter of study, then, to understand this subject, and not merely try to free yourself from faults, but to make it an accomplishment, -- a part of your education. There is scarcely any way by which you can gain a stronger hold upon the circles in which you may move, or in which you may do more good. . . .

Allow me to continue to be specific in my hints, as it is always true, that, when judicious advice is given, the more specific it is, the more valuable.

Do not waste your time, and that of the company, in talking upon trifles. The amount of attention bestowed upon trifles and follies, frequently renders conversation so nauseous to an intelligent mind, that it is disgusted. . . .  He who relies upon his "small talk" to render him long useful or agreeable in society, has much mistaken human nature. It may be pleasant and pretty; but who would thank you to invite him to dine frequently upon custards and ice-creams? If you leave a company without being able to reflect that you are wiser, or have made somebody else wiser, than when you entered it, there is something wrong in the case.

Beware of severe speaking in company. No matter whether the company be large or small, you may be sure that all you say against an absent person will reach him. . . . There is an almost universal propensity in mankind to slander each other, or, at least, to throw out hints which detract from the good opinion which they suppose may be entertained of their fellows. The detractor cheats himself most egregiously, but never others. . . .

Never indulge in levity upon what is sacred. It is nearly impossible to treat any sacred subject with levity, in a mixed company, without greatly wounding the sensibilities of some one. It is no mark of strength of intellect, or of freedom from prejudice, or of any good quality, to do it. It shows nothing but a heart that sins without excitement and without temptation. He who can speak lightly of God, his Maker, and his best Friend, or of any thing that pertains to him, will always be known to carry a heart that will easily yield to a temptation to treat an earthly friend in the same way. . . .  I need hardly allude to the practice of profane language; for I have no expectation that any one, who has so far forgotten what self-respect demands, -- to say nothing about higher claims, -- as to use such language, will read a book like this. Such are seldom seen in company as reputable as a book designed to do them good. . . . When you hear any one use profane language, you will not wrong him if you conclude, that this is only one of a nest of vipers which he carries in his heart; and although this is the only one which now hisses, yet each, in his turn, is master of the poor wretch who is giving his life-blood to feed them. . . .

Be careful in introducing topics of conversation. There are some people, who move in a sphere so contracted, and the range of their thoughts is in so narrow a circle, that you can anticipate what are to be the topics of conversation, what stories you must hear repeated, and where the circle will return into itself. If you allow yourself to have favorite topics, you will insensibly and surely run into this habit. Nothing can be more tiresome and unwelcome than such a talker. The same round is to be passed over, the same compliments repeated, the same jests broached. To avoid the possibility of this, some writers will advise you to make use of your last reading in conversation; and thus you will have topics and a store of information to communicate. . . . In all your conversation, be careful to maintain purity of thought. All approaches towards what is indelicate, will be at once discountenanced by all good society. Indeed, you can find none who are pleased with it. The vilest person is displeased with double entendres, and the like, in company. The reason is obvious. None love to have so much disrespect shown them as must be, when you take it for granted that they will be pleased with such conversation. It is a downright insult to a man of pure mind and pure morals. And never have I known any thing but disapprobation expressed, and felt, on occasions when things thus improper have been introduced, even by those whose hearts were known to be impure. Never allow any thing to drop from your lips which you would not be willing to have your sister or your mother hear you say. . . .

[The following are other rules the student should keep in mind.]

Study the character of your company. If they are your superiors, ask them questions, and be an attentive hearer; if your inferiors, do them good.

When the conversation droops, revive it by introducing some topic so general that all can say something upon it. Perhaps it will not be amiss to stock your mind, beforehand, with suitable topics.

When any thing is said new, valuable, or instructive, enter it in your memorandum-book. Keep all that you can lay your hand on that is worth keeping; but reject all trash.

Never be a cipher in company. Try to please, and you will find something to say that will be acceptable. It is ill manners to be silent. What is trite, if said in an obliging manner, will be better received than entire silence; and a common remark may often lead to something valuable. Break a dead silence, at any rate, and all will feel relieved and grateful to you. . . .

I cannot close this Chapter without reminding my reader, that the power of communicating our thoughts and feelings by conversation, is one of the greatest blessings bestowed on man. It is a perpetual source of comfort, and may be an instrument of great usefulness. . . . Remember that every word you utter wings its way to the throne of God, and is to affect the condition of your soul forever. Once uttered, it can never be recalled; and the impression which it makes, extends to the years beyond the existence of earth.

Chapter VII:  Politeness and Subordination

I shall do great injustice to my readers unless 1 speak on the subject of SUBORDINATION with great plainness. What need be said will not occupy a long space, especially as I shall pretend to offer no new theory on the subject.

The mind loves to be free; and so strongly does it disdain confinement, and a relinquishment of its own wishes, that it is not unfrequently unwilling to see the necessity for its doing so.

"Order is Heaven's first law." From the earliest dawn of reason to the hour of death, when we reluctantly take the last bitter medicine, we have to submit our wills, more or less, to the will of others. We cannot, in childhood, see that the motive which induces our parents to lay us under restraints, is a regard to our future happiness. It seems to us to be caprice, or, at least, arbitrary dictation. But we learn to submit our wills to theirs; and here is the foundation of government, and here commences a system of bonds and obligations which abide on us through life.  As we advance in life, we see that the reason of family-government is not a love of authority, or of an infliction of punishment; but it arises from compassion to our ignorance, and a desire to form our characters for the world in which we are to live and act.

As we leave the paternal roof, the laws of the state reach us, and throw their obligations around us. If we violate them, the laws to which all have agreed to abide, take hold of us. The judge is only the mouth of the law, and the magistrate who punishes is only the hand. But it is the law, the naked law, which no one or two can alter, which reaches the highest and the lowest in the community with entire impartiality, that compels us to bow our wills to its mandates.   Without this, no community could be safe or prospered. Life, character, and property, would alike be a prey to the wicked, without this power and majesty of law.

If you step aside from the laws of the land, and seek for a circle of most valued friends where the heart may revel in its freedom, you will find that even here there are the nicest of laws, which you must obey, or you are expelled from that circle, and your friends renounce you. These laws are not the enactments of legislatures or senates, but they are as well defined and settled as if they were, and their infraction will as surely and as speedily be visited with punishment as if the magistrate stood with his sword  to revenge their violation. The most delicate and nice laws must be obeyed, if you would have friends. The cords are silk, and the first thread that is broken will bring retribution upon you.

Even the loose acquaintance of the street in which you daily walk, throws its laws over you, and you must obey them; be civil in your appearance and manners; return kind salutations and kind looks; or you lose character and friends also. It would be easy for you to ruin your influence, and almost your character, by a violation of these unwritten rules.